Keeping Secrets

 

 

by Orchid Press

 

 

“The man who can keep a secret may be wise, but he is not half as wise as the man with no secrets to keep.”

Edgar Watson Howe (1853-1937)

Mr. Howe most assuredly didn’t have the AIS woman in mind when he wrote the above quote.  Perhaps he would have modified it somewhat if he knew of the secrets kept by us all at some point in our lives.  Many of us grew up with family members that never spoke of AIS, treating it like a gorilla in the corner.  We know it’s there, but we’re not going to talk about it.

Keeping the AIS secret for years through adolescence and early adulthood can cause feelings that you’re “not normal” or a “freak,” especially if no one in your family tells you otherwise or takes the time to explain what AIS is all about.  And, for many of us, our doctors kept us in the dark as well, withholding the truth or shying away from explaining the medical aspects of AIS; thus, another layer of secrecy.  In some instances, this was further compounded by doctors and parents advising us that we should never disclose this information to anyone.

As adults, we yearn to share our “secret” with friends and become torn when it’s time to tell our significant other/suitor.  We ask ourselves, is now the right time to tell him/her?  Will they reject me?  Will they freak out?  What if they ask questions I can’t answer?  What if…?  Our imaginations work overtime, conjuring up scenarios that involve melodramatic outcomes, increasing our anxiety and confusion.

The following are just a few stories of fellow AISers who have “spilled the beans” to their friends/boyfriends/girlfriends.  Perhaps through their experiences you will see that sometimes disclosure isn’t such a painful thing.

For a few years, I worked with a group of women at a law firm and through the stresses and tribulations of day-to-day work became pretty close friends with them. Gradually, we all left the firm but still kept in touch and got together for happy hours, movies, etc.  Over time, they shared their life stories with me, and I kind of danced on the edge of divulging my AIS status.  I thought I could trust them, but just wasn’t sure. One night, we were sitting around the table at happy hour, and I thought “what the heck.  I’m going to tell!”  I then launched into the story of how I had recently found the AIS support group, and told them my life story. Not once did my friends cringe or express feelings of horror (my worst nightmare); quite the opposite.  They were very curious about AIS, and I did my best to explain it to them.  One of my friends had heard of AIS, which helped a great deal.  If anything, my divulging AIS to my friends has strengthened my friendships and now I don’t feel like I have this deep dark secret looming overhead. If there’s any advice I can give fellow Orchids who may be going through the issue of disclosure, it would be to go with your instincts.  Are there certain friends who have broken your trust with secrets in the past?  They will most likely not be the best friends to confide in. Choose friends who are true, and have shown that they can be trusted.  I’m so glad I opened up with my friends, and I hope you find a trusted confidante or two to help you overcome your fear of disclosure. –Joyce H.

###

Following decades of denial and shame about my diagnosis (revealed to me at the age of 24 when I was already a married woman), I took stock and reevaluated as I neared my 50th birthday.  I sought out the support group and became involved in intersex activism and education, including speaking frequently at two local medical schools and acting as the primary contact for the Intersex Society of North America.  All this activism raised an interesting situation … will it just be a matter of time before friends, colleagues and family stumble across some reference to me in the media or on the internet?  Facing this eventuality and, more importantly, not wanting to perpetuate the white lies and evasiveness of the past, I have begun to selectively tell my story.  My readiness for this change was bolstered by my husband when he told me “Please don’t hide who you are in an attempt to spare me from embarrassment.  Be who you are!”  And so, to my great joy, the people I have chosen to tell my story have been wonderfully accepting and understanding.  I once feared the earth would open up and swallow me if anyone discovered “the truth.”  Now I start each day relieved to be free of the burden of secrecy that once hobbled my spirit.  –Jane G.

###