Five Words that Changed My Life…

  

by Ann of Michigan

 

 

 

Enlightening, Encouraging, Engaging, Empowering …but most importantly, Embracing 46 XY would be the five words that I find to be most definitive about my very first International AISSG Conference.

Within one week of being introduced to sweet Jeanne Nollman by email, I as excitedly in route to meet her in person in Chicago as well to meet others like myself for the very first time.  We had no spare money for me to go (especially at the last minute), but all I knew was that I had to go, and my husband really wanted me to!  This was one of those “all hell couldn’t hold me back” moments!!

Suffering a lifetime of trying to understand the frustrating dynamics of my own body, I was now on the yellow brick road to self discovery.

Like the zany trio characters of the Wizard of Oz I was no longer satisfied with the imprisonment of my shame.  I was now pressing into the hope of getting a new heart, a new brain…to get courage!  I wanted to “come home” to that which I belonged.  I didn’t know why my ruby red slippers captivated the interests of so many…in the end, the wicked witch of medical professionals weren’t so wicked after all, even all her imps of shame who were trying to keep me from my destiny didn’t prevail in the end.  Little did I know I was about to embark on the most exciting journey of learning my new identity as an “Intersexual.”  With a capital “I”.  Though I held the truth in my medical records, all along I lacked understanding of my diagnoses.  So for years I was held in captivity from a lack of knowledge.  [I have always said, “A lack of knowledge is a dangerous thing.” How true that statement!]

As it turned out The great Wizard of Oz was not the all knowing, all wise, untouchable, unseen entity….of my diagnosis.  I was not defined by my condition, but rather by the love of a tribe I belonged to.  A tribe of compassionate people with real bodies, real personalities like my own, also seeking answers.

Walking into the lounge of the hotel was unnerving.  It was as though I was to meet my birthmother for the very first time!!  Would they like me?  Want me??  I was honestly curious what others like me looked like.  Each part making a whole, my new Orchid Sisters hugged and celebrated me with such love.  Our affections were immediate, linked together by fate.  Each brought a legacy of their own to share with me; a desire for normal.  To hear someone else tell my story through their own tears was an interesting moment I cannot fully express.  Having walked that long mile of heartache all alone had been difficult enough by myself….but to hear each woman’s story so much like my mine, made me aware of the spirit of shame each of us has lived painfully and many times in great secret with the fear of rejection.

Each had been robbed of self worth, many feeling insecure by the standards of the outside world, having believed vile lies whispered in our ears, with some belief that we are less than human, as though a freak of nature.  It’s like looking into a mirror seeing oneself through the eyes of an anorexic; unable to see the truth.  What I learned for myself was that each one’s story of discovery of being an original design was something to be celebrated.  Because that’s exactly what we did; we celebrated the worth of each woman, beholding their beauty, their value to the rest of us, celebrating their strength, their talents, their dreams.  We became each other’s cheerleader!  It’s interesting how down on ourselves we can be, isolating from the world, or even angry to have this 46 XY consequence to contend with….Yet coming together, was like a family reunion.  Being a newbie at my first conference, there was no measure of qualification.  I was hugged, loved on, encouraged, listened to, and most importantly strengthened by my new tribe.  We celebrated each one’s worth to “our family” as a tribe.

Despite the hand we were dealt at birth, as human beings we were not intended to live above or beneath the suffering of so many others in the world.  Being a curiosity should not be confused as being untouchable.

The fact is we are all are curious of what seems peculiar!!  The most captivating thought came to me as I heard the stories of my celebrated 46 XY chromosome sisters in the share time of Saturday morning…

“That I will no longer live my life under a shadow of shame.  I am not defined by a syndrome or a diagnosis.
I was born to live life large and beautiful, to impact an imperfect world just being myself”.

For years I felt I was crawling one leg at a time in the smallness of my limitations.  But I made a personal decision at this conference that this caterpillar may have traveled long and even hard but, from here on out, I was meant to fly in all my array of colors and to soar high.  I came to the conference as a big fat juicy caterpillar, but in four days I changed into the butterfly I was intended to become.  I already knew who I was as a person, as a spiritual being…but I needed confirmation of knowing who I was as a woman…to understand the needs of my body, to be healthy and to live life with wisdom.  To know that Yes, indeed I am a sexual person, who has nothing in the least to be ashamed of.  These beautiful breathtaking intelligent, ambitious, powerful women possessed a ‘property stake’ of their own: to love and be loved.  Each having contractual rights to love their bodies fully with territorial domain: born to be celebrated as created breathing beings full of life; to live life in the complete fullness of their purposes with no prejudice.  To be happy people.

As I was driving home, I realized that the one thing I had always desperately wanted to possess was the very thing I already had all along.  I arrived to the conference as a woman, and I “came home” a much better woman!! “Dorothy was no longer lost in a strange, foreign land!!”  I no longer felt like an alien.

I can now pronounce Swyers properly, and I’m a proud new member of the “Snappin’ Swyers Sisters!!”  Being intersexed now means something different to me as my fears of being half man/half woman have been extinguished.  I’m so thankful for the conference speakers that brought light into the shadows of darkness.  For the first time I was able to totally embrace myself as a woman, and gaining much knowledge to help my caregivers better understand my medical needs that have been so misunderstood for so many years.

Since the conference, I am now a Woman with a Mission ...to live Life Large!  Having the instant bond of affection, admiration and adoration of many other women like me, of all ages, is life-changing.  (It’s right up there with marrying the love of my life, and even becoming a mommy after years of prayer!!)

Coming into this Circle of Orchid Sisters has been a beautiful ceremony of connecting hearts with compassion, encouragement and unconditional love for one another.

From tears to laughter we celebrated each other as unique, feminine, as an once-in-a-lifetime creation.  Looking into the faces and hearts of each one there has me home sick for next year’s conference.  When I think of the beautiful women in this group, I feel the heart of Jesus, going out searching for the one who is lost and dying in a hurting world.  To bring healing and refreshment to those who need a haven of refuge.

“Click your heels, Dorothy and say ‘there’s no place like home’.”

We are in the company of Sisters; I just love my new friends!!

   Ann of Michigan